How to Win Friends and Influence People

The book How to Win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1936. It has become so popular that it was reprinted many times and still sold by contemporary bookstores. For once, my friends and I was captivated by this book. We practiced its teaching wholeheartedly.  That was 21 years ago. As I read the book again yesterday, I cannot help wondering: Why hasn’t this book fundamentally helped me to improve my social skill? I know all the techniques it teaches, but I did not have the desire to use them. I use them only when it brings substantial benefits to me, which are rare occasions. I still stumbled in my social relationship.

I dawned on me that the real improvement on our social skill comes from internal change. It cannot be taught as some techniques that are used to manipulate others. It has to follow some fundamental principles that governs our relationship with others: True selfless and the desire to help. In other words, it requires an awareness that enables us to live in harmony with others.

Making friends is a long term endeavor. It requires input every day and in the continuing stream of your life. If we simply manipulate others, the friendship cannot last long. Even after we “smile”,”show interest”, “make others feel important”, we can only do that for a short time. If we don’t have genuine desire to engage others, if we don’t really think others are important, how can we continue to show our interest? Therefore the task is not to “win friends” but “keep friends”.

Influencing people requires more than just “not arguing”. It requires us to understand our own position and have deep knowledge to deliver. It requires personal initiative and leadership.

If we want to really teach people how to get along socially, the title should be, “how to build friendship and be a leader for others” . Relationship is not a sales trick. It’s long-term effort, genuine caring and higher demand on ourselves.

Posted by junling on January 6, 2009

https://junling.wordpress.com/2009/01/06/how-to-win-friends-and-influence-people/