Appreciating Good Effort

Last night I attended a holiday party. An elegant-looking old couple sat next to me.  They were charming, intelligent and articulate. We had a good time chatting together. Then the time came for gift exchange, where you pick out gift brought by others. The husband volunteered to pick out a gift for his wife. When he came back with the gift, the wife looked at it. “Well, I cannot have this.” She flatly refused it. The husband looked awkward with all others looking. I could not help wonder what I would do in that situation. Being gracious, I would have thanked my husband and put the gift aside. My husband would feel appreciated and everyone was happy. It doesn’t matter whether the gift is useful or not.

Unfortunately, I have my own blind spot too. When my parents lived with me in the US, they cooked a special dish for me one day. As my mother showed me the new dish, I frowned: “Why is there so much oil?” I refused to eat that dish. My mother was visibly discouraged and saddened by my response. At that time, I was not aware how disappointed she was.

Today I realize we all need appreciation, particular after we made effort for others. This applies to both work and family relationship. When my intern went out of his way of doing extra research on a new subject, he expected my praise and appreciation. When I spent extra time finishing an elegant program, I wanted to be appreciated by my manager. Recognizing the effort (before we comment on its merit) would give people great encouragement.  In his book The HP Way, David Packard talked about how Bill Hewlett handled enthusiastic researchers when he heard an impractical idea. Hewlett would always show enthusiasm and appreciation first, which would make the researcher feel good. Later Hewlett talked with the researcher on the pro and cons of that idea. Finally in the third talk, Hewlett would make a management decision on the idea. By that time, the researcher feels appreciated and understood, and the decision was accepted willingly. In this way, the enthusiasm of the researcher was preserved.

With our family members, it is easy for us to forget that they are like all other people we meet. They want appreciation and encouragement. When we always show appreciation, their good will and good feeling are protected. In my own case, a more diplomatic me could have said to my mother, “It’s wonderful you have made a new dish for me. I really appreciate that. It looks like very good.” Then after the meal, I could have casually mentioned, “Maybe we can have less oil in the dish.” In doing so, she could feel both appreciated and informed

Humans are such sensitive souls. We must pay extra attention to protect others’ feeling, particularly those who look up to us. That will bring more happiness to this world.